Vulnerability – again

Do other people do this? I make up whole conversations with others in my head, mostly so that I am prepared for whatever comes up. The other people likely wouldn’t say the things I think they are going to say; they would probably be baffled by what I come up with.

I think I know why I do it. I have been caught totally unprepared by what some people have said to me in the past. It hasn’t happened a lot, but each time it does happen I am left a little less likely to be vulnerable in my relationships. So my theory is that I have these conversations in my head so that if they really do happen, I will be prepared.

The thing is, that it doesn’t work that way. It still occasionally happens to me, and it has never been the people that I have prepared for who do it, so I am NOT prepared at all. I think I should give it up, and just roll with whatever happens, because I have not proven to be very good at guessing what is going to happen.

As for being vulnerable, I sometimes wonder what would happen if I just decided that I am going to stay vulnerable, no matter what happens. I really do believe that we don’t get very far unless we are vulnerable. I also hate feeling vulnerable. But since I believe we don’t get very far if we are not vulnerable, I try to leave that door open, knowing that sometimes being vulnerable is going to kick me in the gut, but sometimes I will be rewarded with deeply satisfying relationships.

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