The more I get into this crap, the more I realize that the lesson in it has to do with uncertainty. Because when I really look at it, the problem seems to be that I just don’t know what’s going to happen, or why what is happening now is happening. There is no simple (or complicated either, for that matter) reason for what’s happening. I can’t explain it away, or predict how it is going to go in the future. I can’t say why it is happening now. And I am either going to be driven crazy, or I am going to learn to live with uncertainty.

I think what I will shoot for is to EMBRACE uncertainty, because learning to live with it feels like giving in to me. What I would like to do is figure out how to walk that fine line between recognizing and acknowledging the truth of what is, without giving in to it. For example, it is important to realize that I no longer have the energy that I used to, so it is important to me to spend the energy that I have doing things that I really want to do, versus doing things that I think I SHOULD do.  Giving in to this lack of energy would be very easy to do – there are days when I would be perfectly happy to dig a hole, crawl in, and stay there – and that’s not really what I want to do.

Boy – this is definitely stream of consciousness writing!  Now I am looking at what I have written and I see that embracing uncertainty really is learning to live with it; learning to live with it is NOT giving in to it. So I guess I will revise what I said to this: I will embrace uncertainty and learn to live with it. I will see my situation for what it is, and un-apologetically do what I have to do to live the best life I can live right now. I don’t know what is going to happen in a year or 10, or even in a week. That’s okay – it is what it is and it will be what it will be.


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